Sink or Swim – The Marriage Debate

I’ve been spending the night checking out the different blogs on the block… I can’t help but notice how many (insanely) young women are already married or expecting! I love their blogs on their new lives, and every baby blog (or pregnant woman for that matter), gets my maternal instincts all in a twist! I feel the up most amount of respect for these women! Marriage at a young age is very scary to me (as romantic and beautiful as it is). In fact, I always believed myself to be a young bride. I felt I knew the responsibility that is marriage and could grasp how difficult it could sometimes be as well. The truth is, the more I thought I knew – the more I realized that I really knew nothing. The more married couples I meet the more I wonder how charmed their lives really are. Now, this is not an attack by any means – as all relationships are different and cannot be generalized, but are you all really that happy? Now newlyweds and our ladies out there who are expecting do not count – I can only imagine the sunshine you are walking on right now! There is nothing more beautiful in this world than an expecting momma or a girl with the flush of love on her face!

I understand the point that you win in the end with marriage – I see it in my own relationship. In the two years I have now been with Vlad, our relationship has only gotten better, easier and more fulfilling. Things we had difficulty with in the beginning have seemed to melt away. It’s like we are finally getting each other . I consider myself to have a beyond unbelievable relationship – the stuff fairy tales are made of, I truly do. Even ours is tough sometimes though, and it makes me really wonder how other people do it! I know people who are married, or getting married and their relationships seem to pale in comparison to mine (seriously not meant to pass judgement, or come off as cocky). These are people I have known for years, and have given advice in times of need. People who have hidden cheating from their lovers, or the fact that they are not sure that they are marrying “the one”. Maybe it’s just the people I know, or maybe I should shut my eyes a little more to avoid seeing what many are blinded by. I know, because I was very blinded in my first relationship. I would let things happen that degraded my friends and myself. Now that I recognize it when I see it, I refuse to let it happen again.

Now Montreal plays a big factor in all of this aswell! For those of you who live here or who have ever visited, you may have noticed the hot girl to average guy ratio…. 189,000 ladies to 1 fella So, as a result of numerous gorgeous girls to choose from (many who are quite sexually liberal here), guys in general have the pick of the litter. Montreal is a party city… nightlife, restaurants, supperclubs, stripclubs, etc… The ladies are daring, beautiful and out to get theirs! Now, this does not make it easy for the commited ladies out there who (if they are super lucky) have snatched up a good catch . Generally, it is very hard here for a girl to meet someone who will treat them with respect and like a lady. Sometimes the Quebecois traditions arn’t exactly helpful with impressing girls looking to commit (splitting or (girls) picking up the tab of beers for the first date… ugh). The truth is, guys get away without having to impress a woman here. They do not generally dress up to go out, or have to behave like a man in front of her. Why? Cause the majority of the ladies just flat out don’t expect it .

All this to say: I hope all of you ladies out there do and always will have the dream marriage you always pictured, and that you loving couples who are honest and true to each other breed lots of honest little babies Fight the fight, and let nothing come between your love. Montreal has bred the fighter in me, and you better believe I’m in it for the long haul

A trip to the Gyno :(

So, yesterday I had my first every trip down gyno lane. I must say I was pretty horrified to have a middle aged man probe me while my legs were spread wide open and in stirrups!!! Even with the seemingly necessary awkwardness of the situation, the doctor had a great sense of humour and tried his best to break down my anxiety. I happened to drag my very patient and very understanding boyfriend along with me, who held my hand through it all (I know I am a total wimp when it comes to facing any kind of medical attention – you should see me when they do blood tests!!!). Somehow he wasn’t completely grossed out by it all, and stood by me in the examination room.

So, I did learn that bizarrely enough I have a tilted uterus (whatever the hell that is supposed to mean)… apparently it is the equivalent of being left handed when you write. So, my “special” uterus will be writing you all a lefty letter

Anyhow, all went well and was done. Although it was something I had avoided for a long time, it didn’t turn out to be so bad after all. Getting checked regular is sooo important ladies and gents! No matter what torturous scheme they may put on you, it is worth the possibility that it may one day save your life.

Go get yours.

What am I running from?

Alright, I’m just gonna put this out there: I think I may have a marriage phobia. I honestly have no idea where this came from or why, but whenever marriage pops into my head I get completely claustrophobic! As a little girl it was never something I dreamt about. I thought I knew it all and was convinced that I would never need a man. Wrong. Not that I rely on a man, but I know how badly my personality needs an intimate love – or really how badly we all need that kind of love in our lives. Now, I have only ever had two relationships in my life. My ex of 4 years (we met when we were both 17), and my current relationship of 2 years (My current boyfriend is 31). I had a two year breather in between where I didn’t even really date. Now, my ex is engaged, and I have found a guy who gives me every thing I need, and whom I love and can really see a future with. When he mentions marriage however, I know that it is something I want eventually but that right now is just not in my cards. Not to say that he is not the one either – I truly believe that when you grow with someone, time only makes it clearer and clearer.

I am twenty freakin‘ three!!! I have just begun to come into my independence, freedom and self and I have to start thinking of bonding my life to another human being for the rest of my life?!? I just broke free from my parents! I am too busy right now enjoying the selfishness of my youth that I can’t even imagine the responsibility of a husband and children. I know that once I have juiced all of that out of me I will eventually be ready for all of that – however I refuse to jump in prematurely and regret my life decisions when I’m old and and grey and reflecting on my life.

Firstly, I must note that my ex and I were convinced we were going to get married… which makes me very, very confused. You see, we were both soo convinced of something that in the end obviously wasn’t our destiny. The fact that to-be brides can be replaced by others also boggles my mind. What happened to “you are the one for me”? The only one!?! By all means I understand that people fall in love many times in their lives (if they are lucky), however the marriage I have always believed in only holds room for my one true love and cannot be faked with replacements. Please do not take that statement the wrong way – I am not implying my ex. I think he probably has found his true love, and we were just too young, and naive to fully understand what the word marriage really means.

Last summer for example, I attended many weddings with my boyfriend. At almost every single one of them, I felt no real passionate love between the couples. It was so sad, almost like I was witnessing a funeral in its own right. Now, I was just an outsider but it felt like everyone was merely getting married because it was convenient, the right thing to do, or because they were somehow pressured into it. I don’t know… I just see soo many people getting hitched, not realizing how big of a deal it is, and then crumbling later on in life from suppressing so many hidden emotions. People, why do you think the divorce rate is so high? We idolize Hollywood where celebrities get married every few months to their newest co-star! I think maybe that has had something to do psychologically with our minds being hardwired for making impulsive decisions!

Look, I am not saying don’t get married – in fact I wish more people really would get married for the right reasons! I think when it is pure and really true that there is nothing more beautiful in the world. Nothing can compare. Too many people still envision this glamorized version of what marriage really is though and it is only ever dangerous to their relationship, and especially to the children they raise together. Marriage is both passionate love and buiness business business! If you can successfully balance the two, then hats off to you!

All I know, is that when I get married I will be a bit older, wiser, and know that without a doubt I am there till the end with my absolute one and only. Oh, with five kids on the way

Coffee Shopper

Ola! Today I am writing from Second Cup cafe on Monkland – across the street from chez moi. I needed a bit of a change of scenery. There has been quite a bit on my mind this week. For one, my boyfriend and I got in quite a tiff, and although the smoke has cleared it still feels like it’s essence is lingering around me. As a true born Gemini (yes – we ARE trouble) my mind is clouded and running at a million miles a minute. No such thing as peace of mind here (not unless I have been tranquilized with lavender aromatherapy of sorts). So, here is what is on my mind:

• Job in my field! Although I am enjoying my current employment as “Leasing Agent” for luxury apartments, my heart lies in fashion! I love that I am doing the interior design for the new units as well – it is truly awesome, but my end goal is to work with a fashion magazine publication here in Montreal. I am a Montreal girl – my heart, soul and love support are all here… no such thing as moving away from my friends and family. Just not an option, even though New York city is magazine central!

• Boyfriend girlfriend drama… well I won’t get into too many details, but I find relationships sooo hard (especially moving on from past relationships). How do people have the courage to repeatedly open their hearts to new people without comparing everything about them to the past? I love my boyfriend to shreds, but sometimes I find it very hard to relate to him. This always is a head breaker!

• It’s fashion week! Here in Montreal our finest display their great talent all week on the runways of the Bonsecours Market in the Old Port. I have just not had the same urge to attend as previous seasons! I will be attending the Marie St-Pierre show tonight at 9pm, and am excited about that… but the weather seems to imitate my icy mood of the moment and I don’t even want to think about trekking across half the city to attend a fifteen minute show . This is not like me, but Canadian winters I guess have a way of teaching you some things about yourself.

http://www.mariestpierre.com/

• My Ex. I am not someone who dwells on the past, however I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact that my ex is getting married. At 23! I don’t know, this just seems to be an impossibility to me. So young, so weird that we dated. Weird weird weird. I am very happy for the both of them (and that is not just something I am saying to appear like the un-jealous girlfriend – I really do mean it), it really just blows my mind.

• The future. What does it behold? I know you can never determine what you will do or who you will become, but somehow I feel wildly out of control and suffocatingly restrained. I want to travel, love, live, feel, touch and taste everything in my sight. I feel impatient and almost like things can’t happen fast enough. This is the itch of youth I assume. The idea that there is never enough time to adventure into life. I want children, but am afraid of a routine that would kill my freedom. I want a husband but am afraid of being taken advantage of over time and not even realizing it – feeling trapped. I sometimes think I would be just as happy to be a travelling gypsy or a beach bum selling shell necklaces from my hammock – but no, that would be the easy way out. I am scared I will die without enhancing or enriching anybody else’s life in a massive way. Some days I ooze wisdom, today I stink of fear and insecurities.

Today I am fragile, emotional, and as you can see nothing is broken but it still feels like it needs to fixed.

On a happy note, I am counting down the days till June 3rd – Billy Joel & Elton John are coming to Montreal on their world tour and yours truly has tickets!!! This is my past wrapped up in a concert – I never thought I would see my idol Elton live… and now one of my dreams will be realized! Just hope I won’t be globetrotting in Romania, Paris or South Africa by that point (I will be there this summer). Then again, I love how unscripted my life really is Now there is something to smile about!